now i know why i became what i already was.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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