we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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