Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
