She is in my trunk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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