Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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