the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my sisters under your porch take her home
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
