When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
