I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
