Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
