I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
