o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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