I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize