Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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