then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
