My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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