so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
