Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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