fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize