DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
