I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
