Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
