He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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