Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
