Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
