Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
