ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
