well I can't set my house on fire every night
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Randomize
