remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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