she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
