My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
