we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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