there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
