Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
