so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
