are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
