well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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