I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
