she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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