I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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