gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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