you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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