I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
