I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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