This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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