There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
