god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
