wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
