There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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