I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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