so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
