is your mom at the bar?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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