they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Im part way to drunk.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
