Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
