she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
