Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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