U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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